The Awesome Adventures of Wilson Young Wong
by chinamanly
Summary: In a world of corruption and greed, one God will change it all. Meet our hero, armed with nothing but the clothes on His back and lightning wit, He aims to topple a wicked and unsustainable dynasty made up of sycophants. Stranger than fiction indeed. Amen
1. The First Day

**The Awesome Adventures of Wilson Young Wong - #1:**

**- The Pre-Genesis -**

In the beginning, there was nothing but Wilson.  
In the beginning, Wilson was all.  
This is an epic of how all of Wilson became the only Wilson.

**The First Day**

Lightning struck earth as Wilson Young Wong, our hero, skipped across America. He was feeling very angry as it seemed His brethren had been undermining His power in His world. Wilson screeched a mighty screech in exasperation while He prowled His domain for His fellow Wilsons.

"Those who have been misusing their powers in the realm of Wilson shall be punished!" shouted Wilson, His face full of generic rage.

Wilson soon found His first victim, Wilson, His youngest brother who was using His godly powers in seducing Wilson's sister, also known as Wilson. Wilson Young Wong was walking into His brother's house on Mt. Olympus, when He saw Wilson once again seducing Wilson into having illicit, incestuous but also very hot relations that would make a great educational film had education existed back in the day.

"Wilson!" Wilson shouted, "What the hell are you doing to Wilson!?"

"Why brother," Wilson smiled sickeningly sweetly. "I was just trying to have Wilson here have illicit, incestuous but also very hot relations with me. It would make a great educational film if education existed in this time"

"What is wrong with you Wilson?! What the heck is education? Why would ANYONE ever need such a useless thing?" screamed Wilson with anger fitting of Gods. "Would you seduce me?" continued Wilson Young Wong, eyes bulging and nearly touching His glasses.

Wilson looked surprised, but then as quickly as it came, His expression left and Wilson looked Wilson in the face.

With the smugness of a million internet tough guys, Wilson replied without skipping a beat.

"I'm sorry bro, but I really don't see how my actions have made you so angry."

And with that Wilson confirmed both His brother's inability to comprehend sin and ridiculous arrogance. Wilson then gave His brother a swift roundhouse kick to the head, heavily damaging his pathetic brain, ripped both of his arms off of his useless body and took a whizz in his eye socket to complete the deed. With a satisfied smile on His face, Wilson looked at Wilson's mutilated body and whispered in an almost-shout, "Purple bus, Microsoft."

Wilson then looked at His damaged sister, Wilson, and saw something He did not want to see at all. Wilson was eating Wilson's remains! Wilson then shook His head and said, "As an unbiased higher being, I can not let a cannibal live. Even if she was traumatized by my own brother."

Wilson looked at Wilson in fear, and she too, had her head kicked in, which was followed by an immediate, mostly painless death.

Wilson, now having completed His task for the day, was satisfied, took both the Wilson's bodies into a ditch and took a whizz on their lifeless bodies.

"Wilson help us all if the rest of my brethren turn out as nasty as this lot." Wilson then took a cigarette out of nowhere and walked away into the sunlight as a tumbleweed blew past Him, jazz music started playing and the ending credits rolled.


	2. The Second Day

**The Second Day**

The second day began and Wilson woke up in a old tavern owned by His best friend Wilson. While getting off His bed and walking to the door, Wilson reflected upon the events of previous day with a shake of His head and turning the handle of the door, stepped out of the room.

"Good morning," cheerily exclaimed Wilson, smiling as he handed Wilson a warm cup of coffee. His expression then changed to a darker, more sombre tone as he frowned and started fidgeting nervously as if unsure of how to continue the conversation.

"I feel sorry for you. I mean... you had to kill Wilson and Wilson, right? That has got to be tough, even for a manly man such as yourself," went on Wilson.

"I don't need your useless sympathies!" yelled Wilson, with a face full of anger. "Do you want to be next?"

"Sorry, I just wanted you to feel a bit better..." mumbled Wilson, afraid to enrage his friend a second time. Wilson then decided to leave his brooding amigo alone for now departed to his room until it was safe to come out again.

Deep inside Wilson, an urge to surf the internets and check His e-mail began to emerge from His bowels. It got stronger and stronger until...

"WILSON!" shouted Wilson so loud that His voice can be heard throughout the universe and a chunk of the sky fell on Him.

Wilson the Tavern Guy immediately ran from his room back into the main hall, eager to please Wilson and hopefully not get himself murdered in a random fit of anger that would end up flooding the world.

"Yes, Wilson? What can I do you for?" shakily replied Wilson.

"I need to surf the internets NOW! Prepare me a computer this very instant!" yelled Wilson, and then, a computer appeared - a Mac to be specific.

Wilson booted up the Mac and logged onto the system. The desktop appeared Wilson began to search for the task bar. He could not find it.

"Where the hell is the taskbar?! Also, where did my other mouse button go?" Wilson was flabbergasted, while not being shocked at all. "How dare anyone design an operating system that deviates from the perfection of Windows ME! Who made this crap? I must smite him with my divine muscles!" yelled Wilson with a glow in His eye -- the glow of a holy murderer.

"Wilson Jobs did..." stammered Wilson in quick response to Wilson's question.

"Wilson Jobs? He wants to be different, eh? He should know that I hate anything that is less than... perfect. Let's see how different he can be after I'm done with him!" With a great leap, Wilson jumped into the air with both arms straight in front of Him. He flew around the universe for about a gazillion times, planning Wilson Jobs' death, before finally crashing through the roof of Apple HQ and landing in the office of Wilson Jobs.

Wilson Jobs was sitting at his deck when Wilson crashed into the room. He looked up from his desk and stated calmly, "Tehehehe... I've been expecting you, Wilson."

"How did you know--" exclaimed Wilson incredulously but also in absolute control at the same time.

Wilson Jobs laughed and then pointed to his eye, "This is my latest invention, the iBall! It can detect the presence of any person within a 2000km radius and read their thoughts -- it can even surf the internets. To top it all off, the outer layer has a cool brushed metal look. Cower, Wilson, before my cool and hip technology! Apple is the future!"

"I do not see myself using a one-button mouse in the future... PREPARE TO DIE!" yelled Wilson.

If Wilson Jobs did not feel like being arrogant, he would have decided to run away and hide, but sadly, he DID feel like being arrogant so he laughed again and said, "Wilson, Wilson, Wilson, you cannot defeat me. I have mind-controlled everyone on this planet that uses an Apple product -- and within one minute, my iSlaves will arrive here to protect me."

Wilson stared at Wilson Jobs eyes with pity and said, "Brilliant plan, but one minute would be more than enough for me to kill you... Brace yourself!"

Wilson Jobs reached into his pocket and pulled out a metal rectangular contraption and said, "Ha! You would have to go through my latest prototype, the iJig, first!"

"What does it do?" inquired Wilson.

"Absolutely nothing! But hey, it sure looks really, really cool -- like all Apple products! Oh, and check out the brushed metal on this thing!"

"Oooh... big deal," said Wilson unimpressed and dismissive of Wilson Job's new toy.

"You, sir, don't have any sense of style, man! Also, your jeans look ugly," replied Wilson Jobs.

"My jeans are BEAUTIFUL! No one questions my fashion sense! I am Wilson - the creator of all, the ruler of ALL! You, on the other hand, are just a lowly peon! You know NOTHING about true fashion!" yelled Wilson, as He manlyily ripped off His shirt, revealing His extremely dense biceps and triceps. "Now, you shall no longer exist!"

With only His index finger, Wilson touched Wilson Jobs. Then, a spectacular thing happened. Wilson Jobs started to get bloated and more bloated, until Wilson Jobs' body finally gave and exploded into a million pieces.

"Hehe, now you're even more bloated than Windows... that's what you get for tainting my experience with an operating system."

Wilson took a brief scan of Wilson Job's body and realized that He had destroyed the iBall -- He would have to look elsewhere for access to the internets, but then again, Wilson would not use Apple technology even if He had to.

Then, Wilson picked up Wilson Jobs' severed ear and into it He whispered, "Purple bus, Microsoft." From whatever remains of Wilson Jobs' chest, He picked up Wilson Jobs' heart. It was still warm. He stuffed it into His mouth and swallowed it whole, gaining double immortality and He slowly walked out of the room.

He teleported back to His friend's tavern, and without saying a word to Wilson, He quickly entered His room and shut the door. Disgusted at the events that took place today, He closed His eyes and rested. He would still need to surf the internets, but He would have to do that the next day.


	3. The Third Day

**The Third Day**

Wilson woke up feeling extraordinary and very pleased with Himself: He had just come up with a new joke. _Why did Wilson, the almighty one, create humans? Because He is very humourous!_ Wilson started to giggle at the ingeniousness of His joke. _Ha,_ thought Wilson, _humans start with "hu" and humourous also starts with "hu", therefore, it must be funny!_ Wilson was surprised at His amazing wit and use of flawless logic. After an hour of giggling, Wilson marched out of His room with a confident look on His face.

Outside the room, Wilson can see Wilson the Tavern Guy sitting at the counter. He was doing calculations of some sort and leading a very dull life, unlike Wilson, known for his intense masculinity, who leads a very adventurous and exciting eternal life. Wilson was thinking of offering help to Wilson the Tavern in doing the calculations and show off his math skills along the way, but Wilson had a better plan. Wilson decided to brighten His best friend's day by telling him His latest joke.

"Hey, you sure are leading a dull and boring life, unlike me!" started Wilson as He leaped right in front of the counter. "Let me tell you an amazing joke that I just thought up!"

Wilson the Tavern Guy was uninterested, but since he _was_ up against Wilson, he decided to hide his interest (or lack thereof) and leaned closer to Wilson and tried to keep a smile of his face. "Sure thing!"

"Why did Wilson, the almighty one, create humans?" said Wilson eagerly, also trying to hide something: His satisfaction at His own cleverness.

"I don't know," replied Wilson the Tavern Guy, hoping to just get it over with.

Wilson tried to answer, but He suddenly started giggling uncontrollably to Himself and walked out the door of the tavern, leaving Wilson the Tavern Guy confused at the counter. Wilson the Tavern Guy shrugged, picked up his BIC pencil, and continued working on his calculations.

After defeating the main component of His enemy, Apple Inc, Wilson lusted for access to the internets and email. His friend, Wilson the Tavern Guy, was of no help and Wilson considered killing him for being unhelpful and not being able to read His mind and hear the rest of His joke, but for now decided against it, not ruling out the possibility of the owner of a tavern would be useful in the future. Wilson had a lot more jokes left to tell.

The chance for email and internet came when He was confronted with Wilson H. Gates, at that time the CEO of Microsoft and also the cause of anger for liberal hippie communists for being for being the man. While Wilson didn't necessarily agree with these basement dwelling nerds' opinions as they were incorrect, the fact Wilson needed internets immediately didn't appear to make Wilson H. Gates chance of survival hopeful.

With a snap of fingers Wilson teleported through space and time into Wilson H. Gates' medieval Blue Screen of Death Castle or BSODC for short. If Wilson wasn't Wilson, He would've shivered at the mere mention of such a frightening and desolate name. However, Wilson _is _Wilson so wearing His blue jacket and Made in China Jeans, He waltzed through the front door of the BSODC like a manly ballerina, without a care in the world.

With an ethernet cable and router in hand, thunder seemed to sound in the distance as Wilson tiptoed into Wilson H. Gate's chamber room smoking a cigarette He pulled from nowhere. Wilson H. Gates didn't seem to be surprised by Wilson's sudden appearance and if Wilson wasn't Wilson, He might have felt some type of emotion. Instead, Wilson spit out His cigarette and put it out by coldly stepping on the butt while His eyes stared at Wilson H. Gates without any visible (or invisible) compassion.

Wilson H. Gates waited patiently as Wilson began to speak.

"Gates, you no longer have a right to remain alive, I have come to defeat you and take away your internets." snarled Wilson without any feeling whatsoever.

Wilson H. Gates stood up from his throne. Again, he had no look of surprise on his face and responded to Wilson's claim ferociously and with just as little feeling but not quite there yet for Wilson H. Gates was not as Wilson as Wilson was.

"I'm afraid that's impossible, dear brother. I have heard from my spies that you were coming and prepared myself," smugly stated Wilson H. Gates.

While Wilson was not scared, He was curious of Wilson's plan and let down His guard for the moment. Predictably in an almost cliché fashion, Wilson H. Gates pressed a magic red button from behind him that trapped Wilson in a bubble of information.

Wilson almost had His interest piqued, "Hey cool, it's the INTERNET!" said Wilson, somewhat thankful that the necessities He needed fell into His lap so easily through some otherworldly Wilson Force.

Wilson H. Gates smiled a smug smile, similar in smugness precentage to Wilson's one million internet tough guy smile and said, "But of course Wilson, you can even turn it off anytime you want."

"What?" replied Wilson, "Then what would be the point of this 'trap'?"

"You didn't let me finish, Wilson," said Wilson H. Gates with a disapproving look on his ugly mug, obviously he did not like to be interrupted, "You can turn it off anytime you want...If you can survive this!"

Wilson looked, it was a Rick Roll page, the kind you couldn't turn off properly. Wilson looked incredulously and nearly buckled in laughter -- was this all Wilson H. Gates had?

Wilson H. Gates laughed a mighty laugh, and if Wilson wasn't Wilson He wouldn't have had the heart to take Him out of the joyous "victory". But Wilson _was_ Wilson, so He quickly went to Tools and disabled Javascript -- halting Wilson H. Gate's devious plot.

Wilson H. Gates was still manically laughing, prematurely celebrating his "win". Wilson then, took His ethernet cable and made a noose with it, throwing it upon Wilson H. Gates' bloated head and pulled him over without killing him, a mighty feat considering the person pulling was Wilson. Wilson H. Gates was amazingly still laughing so Wilson took both his eyeballs out. However, with greater vigour than before, Wilson H. Gates still laughed his laugh, almost angering the mighty Wilson. Wilson then took off His gloves and desecrated the heart and soul of His enemy through the simple but effective sure-kill technique of shoving His fingers down Wilson H. Gates' throat, suffocating him.

But Wilson did do one nice thing: right before Wilson H. Gates died Wilson said to him, "If it makes you feel better, I've eliminated your nemesis Wilson Jobs, so you've won your little feud. Oh yeah, nice operating system you've made there: Windows ME."

Wilson then took His internets and His ethernet cable back and walked away from the late Wilson H. Gate's castle saying under His breath, "Purple bus, Microsoft."

Wilson returned to the tavern holding His ethernet cable in one hand and with a devious, but triumphant look on His face. Wilson knew at once that Wilson had made another victim.

Wilson promptly entered His room, plugged in His Invincible Gates™ computer (oh sweet, sweet irony), which He picked up on the way out of Gates' castle, connected the ethernet cable, and then proceeded to turn the computer on. Wilson actually kinda liked Wilson H. Gates, mostly because he created the world's best operating system: Windows ME, but unfortunately, he had the internets on him, and Wilson needed access to it immediately, so He was forced to eliminate him. After Wilson logged in, He launched Internet Explorer and it shortly popped up. Wilson finally had access to the internets.

"Finally, after all these days, I AM IN THE INTERNETS!" exclaimed Wilson ecstatically, as He began to type the address for His email provider. His joy quickly faded, however, when He saw His inbox, as He saw something that horrified Him. What He saw was not cannibalism in progress, but something much worse than that. In His inbox, He found an email that contained an ad for natural male enhancement that was sent to Him by some unlucky and unthoughtful spammer. Wilson became furious. Normally, if Wilson was not on a killing streak, He would have just created a virus and send it to the spammer, wreaking havoc the spammer's computer, but since He _was_ on a killing streak, the spammer was going to have one unlucky day.

Wilson quickly utilized His internal radar, similar to a dolphins, but not quite there yet as dolphins did not exist at the time, to track the spammer down to a small city in the state of Alabama. With one hand, Wilson ripped off His jacket, revealing His black t-shirt underneath. Then, Wilson, using only His godly feet and His extraordinary determination, sprinted to the front entrance of the house of the spammer. He ringed the door bell three times, and on the third time, a black man opened the door.

For a moment, Wilson pondered whether He should kill a man who has a different ethnicity than Him because people might accuse Him of being a racist, but then again, with His Made in Bangladesh t-shirt, Made in China jeans, and His Made in the Philippines shoes, He was already pretty multicultural, so He decided to continue on with His plan.

"Wilson here," began the spammer, Wilson, "And do I even know you?"

"How dare you question my potency?!" thundered Wilson, "Do you know who you are dealing with here?"

Wilson thought for a moment and suddenly realized who the handsome man standing in front of Him was.

"Don't tell me you're... Wilson..." said Wilson shakily, "And if you are, I sincerely apologize for the embarrassment that I may have brought you... I'm sure that you can be rock-hard without even being aroused..."

"ONLY ROCK HARD? How DARE you? It's harder than diamond! Also, NO ONE DARES TO SPAM THE ALMIGHTY WILSON WHICH IS ME - you are the first one!" roared Wilson, "Now, you shall pay for your ignorance... with your life!"

Wilson took a baseball out from nowhere and then took a mighty swing at Wilson, sending him into a collision course with a giant tree. Wilson hit the tree with a loud thump, detaching the limbs from His body. Wilson landed on the ground, blood gushing out onto the grass from where His limbs used to be. Then, as the words "FINISH HIM" appeared on screen, Wilson grabbed Wilson's head and ripped it straight off, with the neck bone still attached to it.

Wilson began His walk back to the tavern, with the sun slowly setting behind Him. If you listened hard enough, you could almost hear a voice in the wind saying, "Purple bus, Microsoft."

When Wilson returned home, He quickly entered His room and laid down on His bed, tired after a day's hard work. Wilson had done most of things He had intended to do, and for hours, Wilson wondered what was left for Him to do, but before long, He decided to fall asleep.


	4. The Fourth Day

**The Fourth Day**

Waking up, Wilson Wong felt something vastly different from before, something He had never experienced before this day. Wilson had a great epiphany, worthy of being told in generations to come. The sun could be used to tell the time! During the day, it was up and during the night, it was not.

"What an amazing discovery," He thought to himself almost amazed at His ingeniousness.

Like most mornings, Wilson decided to begin with a traditional shower while brushing His teeth. However, this being the past, He did not have modern plumbing in His room. So Wilson left the tavern without acknowledging the meager presence of Wilson the Tavern Guy and went to the local YMCA to do His deeds.

Wilson Young Wong entered the glass doors of the local YMCA, and was greeted with an unfamiliar sight -- the sight of a beautiful woman at the reception counter. Wilson had a sister at one point in His life (a couple of days ago) but being His sister, Wilson had almost never considered any sexual or romantic attraction to her. However, this was different. The perfection of this woman was beyond words -- almost. Wilson _was_ Wilson, He was someone who could do the un-doable, eat the inedible and of course, describe the indescribable.

"You are as perfect as I am!", exclaimed Wilson in His mind due to His social awkwardness preventing Him from saying such things aloud, "This female shall definitely become my mate and we shall have glorious days together. Forever!"

Twiddling His thumbs by the corner, Wilson didn't know what to do to attract the attention of this person until He remembered that He was Wilson the Great, Wilson the Fabulous, and Wilson the Omnipotent and Omniscient Guy. He reached into the the depths of Wilson Knowledge and learned of the art of attracting those of different gender.

With His newfound knowledge, Wilson Young Wong walked suavely, almost to the point of strutting, up to the checkout counter and His dream Wilson, and with a voice that could charm the bark off of a tree and the skin off of an alligator, spoke in a seductive voice that no Wilson could resist. With the sole exception of Wilson, of course.

"Why hello there babe," purred Wilson Young Wong, "What's _your_ name?"

"Wilson," replied the receptionist coolly, clearly unaffected by Wilson's lack of bashfulness.

Wilson Young Wong was not a one to be deterred so easily and He smoothly replied with,"I had a feeling that would be your name."

Wilson then hesitated for His next line, having gotten a premonition of the bad things to come if He continued with the next fiteen words. He quickly brushed off the notion as He did not make mistakes. Perhaps foolishly, Wilson, being Wilson, ignored His gut instinct and went for the kill.

"Let us join in holy matrimony to promote sexual intercourse for the sake of procreation!" quietly shouted Wilson into the ears of Wilson. The reaction of Wilson could not have been any further than what Wilson predicted in His mind.

He was slapped.

Wilson gasped in disbelief at the physical gesticulation. Wilson Young Wong had been turned down. To Wilson, it was incomprehensible how the greatest of the great, a giant among giants, the c_rème de la crème, _the top hat on top of the top hat, was refused in anything. Nonetheless, things happened and here we are. The YMCA receptionist gave Wilson a hard look with squinted eyes that pierced Wilson's heart and soul. "I'm sorry sir, but I will have to ask you to leave. Besides, I already have a lifelong mate."

Wilson's world was crushed, He had nothing. Suddenly, the glass doors of the YMCA burst open again, and in came Wilson the Tavern Guy. Wilson Young Wong's face suddenly perked up in optimistic anticipation. He was overjoyed that His best friend would come to comfort Him in this time of pain and despair. However, Wilson's world was once again crushed as Wilson the Tavern Guy, seemingly not noticing our dashing hero, passed Him, ignoring His presence, an unforgivable and unheard of act and ran through the wooden desk and into the arms of Wilson the YMCA receptionist

"Everything's alright," said Wilson the Tavern Guy softly to Wilson the YMCA receptionist, "I'm here." He then turned to sternly face Wilson, gaining a ferocity and assertiveness that was not defined until this point. "Sorry Wilson, but she's my girl."

"How dare you cheat on me!" Wilson exclaimed with a thundering voice. "Get away from Wilson, Wilson. She is mine. Listen to my orders or you will face the consequences."

"She did not cheat on you! She was always my girlfriend!" replied Wilson the Tavern Guy, shaking his head with the disappointment of knowing that his godly friend was trying to twist the truth in His favor and ignoring conventional logic. "I will never give up Wilson: she is my _life_ and I will do anything to defend her!"

Now that was the last straw. He did give Wilson the Tavern Guy a chance, but he chose not to take it. Wilson disheartened and angry, realized that He had to do what He had to do.

"WILSON THE TAVERN GUY!" exclaimed our hero furiously, "CURSE YOUR SUDDEN BUT INEVITABLE BETRAYAL!" Wilson raged a rage that was never raged before. He powered up Dragonball Z style and using His superior white man powers to destroy the entire YMCA location killed everyone inside. Especially Wilson the Tavern Guy, and Wilson the YMCA Receptionist, whom He killed not only once, but twice. Indeed, Wilson can kill people twice with His awesome might.

Putting on sunglasses and the 'fro, Wilson Young Wong once again walked back home ending another day and under His breath He muttered, "Purple bus, Microsoft..." Along the way home, He had a feeling that He had just made a huge mistake by killing Wilson the Tavern Guy, but He quickly ignored instinct again because He knew that He never makes mistakes.

Besides, dead people don't come back unless they're Wilson.


	5. The Fifth Day

**The Fifth Day**

Wilson woke up to the sound of someone rapidly and hastily knocking on His door. While not evil by any means (He was God), even the most morally infallible do not awaken to the disturbing of a good night's rest happily. For Wilson, it was akin to waking up on the Wong side of the bed. At any rate, Wilson Young Wong was angry and being on the receiving end of this anger was the last place anyone in their right mind would want to be.

Grumbling to himself, Wilson scratched His ass, put on His sunglasses and walked to the door, wondering which fool dared annoy Him. In the middle of opening the door, Wilson had a premonition of something devastating that was to occur in the near future but it was ignored for Wilson was bored and dismissively thought to himself, "Whatever."

A large middle aged, white male wearing a red t-shirt, khaki shorts and sandals with balding, grey hair and a disgusting neck-beard indicative of the amount of time He spent grooming himself stood on the other side of the door. As soon as Wilson's face was distinguishable, Wilson M. Stallman began speaking, seemingly unaware of the wrath he soon was about to face.

"Hi there, my name is Wilson M. Stallman or WMS for short. I notice you're using an emm-dollar sign computer from the man and your catchphrase is referencing emm-dollar sign as well."

Wilson Young Wong was surprised at this fat man's lack of tact and contemplated WMS' ultimate demise right then and there. However, it was not to be as Wilson's thoughts were interrupted by WMS as he started to talking once again.

"I'm not sure if you've noticed, but emm-dollar sign is an EVIL company that makes EVIL software. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, software you have to pay for is evil, it puts restrictions on you, the users, and us, the hackers who want to change the source code to better the world. However, that isn't all, software should not only be open-source, it should be free. And not just free as in cost, but free as in freedom. Which is why I propose all software should adhere to the standards of the GNU General Public License, no exceptions. Which is why I wish for you, Wilson Young Wong, to assist me in my free as in freedom campaign by switching your operating system to GNU/Linux"

Wilson Yong Wong said "maybe" in response to WMS' riveting speech and was handed a copy of the Gentoo installation disk. WMS then ran away from Wilson Young Wong's house while screaming ""FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM!" along with some other incoherent rambling that could not be understood by even Wilson, unless Wilson felt like understanding it, which He didn't.

For those ignorant of the situation, Wilson had never before installed a GNU/Linux distribution prior to this, for He had only used a preinstalled Windows ME from back in the day. What WMS did not count on though, was the fact that Wilson is Wilson and He could have, and did, only take one look at the install screen and in a booming voice, shouted the words "INSTALL" in capital letters, and Gentoo was installed after compiling itself 52 times for optimal performance. Indeed, Wilson's might is so mighty, He could both compile AND install Gentoo with just one command. Wilson snapped His fingers and the computer began its boot process.

Wilson M. Stallman thought that the raw speed of Gentoo would convert the mighty Wilson from the dark side and make Him switch to free (as in freedom) and open-source software, which was obviously superior, but Gentoo's speed did not please Wilson: it was _too_ fast. As a hardcore conservative and a registered Republican, Wilson was unaccustomed to CHANGE, so He promptly hopped into His time machine (not that He actually needed one -- He just thought that it'd look cool to the ladies) and traveled back in time to the moment just before He installed Gentoo and instead, installed Windows ME with a BSOD (that's right, _with_) because that's how Wilson rolls. Angered that W.M.S. tried to spread profane, liberal ideas to Him, Wilson decided to follow Wilson M. Stallman back to His base and eradicate the god-hating, liberal hippies that supported terrible misdeeds such as gay marriage (Wilson laughs at the notion of equality and thinks of the children) and abortion (You know who else killed babies? That's right, Hitler) that are there.

As stealthily as a rhinoceros stuck in a can of red paint with an alligator biting its tail, Wilson trailed Wilson M. Stallman during the last streams of daylight. Naturally, Mr. Stallman did not notice Him and soon, they arrived, unsurprisingly, at an old abandoned warehouse. Wilson Stallman opened the door and went inside, while Wilson, the mighty, held His armpit up to the door and the door soon disintegrated. They were in a small, poorly lit room with off-white walls which were almost bare except for some brown stains. There was nothing inside the room, except for a small desk with a stout desk lamp resting on top of it. Sitting at the desk was a man, face obscured by the shadows, but not even Wilson, with His superhuman 9000/20 vision, could tell who that man was. So Wilson decided to hide in the shadows until He could get a clearer grasp of the situation. Wilson felt a strange feeling that He had never felt before. For the first time in His eternal life, He did not have total control over what is going on. Wilson wondered if the feeling was actually _fear_, but He quickly rejected that claim -- it was probably just that burrito that He ate.

"Master, I have given the Gentoo installation disk to Wilson," said Wilson M. Stallman to the man. "Do you think He will join the winning team and start using free and open-source software?"

"I sure would hope so," said the man in the shadows and even though Wilson could not see this man's face, He thought that His voice sounded vaguely familiar to Him. It was probably one of those liberal hippies who voted for Barack Wilson Obama that He saw on TV, even though there were no TVs in the past. Wilson thought to Himself, _Ha, who would vote for a _black_ guy to be president? Also, "Wilson", what kind of stupid middle name is _that_?_ Wilson pondered that question when suddenly, He heard Wilson Stallman speak.

"Now umm..." Stallman began nervously, "what about uhh... the little deal that we agreed to." Wilson could tell that Wilson M. Stallman was afraid of the man sitting at the desk.

"I haven't forgotten about you, Stallman," said the mysterious man, annoyed, and he threw a small manila envelope on to the desk. Wilson H. Stallman snatched the envelope up eagerly. "Here is the source code of Windows and Mac OS X that you wanted. I think you should make good use of it. Linux still needs a lot of improvement."

"GNU _slash_ Linux," corrected Wilson M. Stallman, before realizing that he probably shouldn't have said that.

"STALLMAN! Don't you DARE speak to me like this!" yelled the mysterious man angrily and he leaned forward to use his sharp glare to stare Wilson Stallman down, revealing his face, along with his true identity -- Wilson the Tavern Guy.

Wilson Young Wong was left in a state of shock. _How can he still be alive?_ Wilson leaped out from His hiding spot and pointed an accusing finger at Wilson à la Wilson Wright (Wilson's favourite lawyer game).

"You... imperfect, miniscule, and utterly insignificant... farce of a human being," screamed Wilson at Wilson. "How dare you consecrate my almighty and... very powerful powers!" Wilson had hoped that this would shock Wilson the Tavern Guy so much that he would explode in surprise, but contrary to Wilson's expectations, Wilson the Tavern Guy seemed to be anticipating this and stared at Wilson calmly with a soft smile. Wilson the Tavern Guy looked as if he wanted speak, but before he got a chance to do so, Wilson M. Stallman popped in between the two.

"Why hello Wilson," smiled Wilson Stallman, blissfully unaware of the situation that he is in. "It appears that you have discovered our special... _plan_. But it doesn't matter -- it's all for the better because I can now personally convert to free (as in freedom) and open-source software." Both Wilsons were starting to get annoyed, but Wilson Stallman did not catch this and continued. "Now, you see, Windows is a proprietary piece of software -- this fact automatically makes it evil. And did you know that in using proprietary and close-sourced software, you are actually supporting the big, bad, evil corpor--"

Wilson the Tavern Guy raised his hand and suddenly, Wilson Stallman's throat locked up and he became unable to speak. Enough was enough. Wilson the Tavern Guy slapped his hands together and _zap_, Wilson Stallman disintegrated into dust. _Puff_! Wilson the Tavern Guy blew the dust away. Now Wilson M. Stallman _himself_ has become truly open-source.

_How did Wilson disintegrate Stallman just by clapping his hands?_ Wilson Young Wong was stunned, for the first time in His life, so He expressed His confusion in the only way He knew how.

"The hell?!" gasped Wilson, holding out His hands in front of Him, palm face-up. "How can a mere mortal, like you, disintegrate a person?"

"Mere mortal, eh?" said Wilson without intending to be Canadian. Then, he tilted his head to meet Wilson in the eyes and sighed. "Have you really forgotten who I am?"

Wilson had always thought that Wilson the Tavern Guy's face had looked familiar, like He had known him for His entire life, but for some reason, He couldn't figure out why. Wilson the Tavern Guy was probably just trying to trick Him.

"Oh, I remember who you are," began Wilson Young Wong with cocky smile. He had seen though Wilson the Tavern Guy's evil trickery. "You are... Wilson the Tavern Guy. No one succeeds in messing with the mind of me, Wilson the almighty, the all-powerful!"

Wilson the Tavern Guy remained unfazed. He simply shook his and put his hand on Wilson's shoulder's. "Well, Wilson, you are... _wrong_. Just look deep into your memories and you will find your answer."

Wilson was deeply enraged because Wilson the Tavern Guy had dared to questioned His flawlessness. _"Wrong?" How can the almighty Wilson, me, be wrong?_ But for some reason, Wilson did not feel the need to pursue Wilson's libelous statements. And perhaps, for the same, unknown reason, Wilson felt compelled to actually listen to the commoner and search His memories. He looked back to His days on the pathetic planet Earth, to the days He stayed home, to the days of creation itself... and finally, Wilson remembered.

"No... no, th-this can't b-be..." stammered Wilson Wong as He stumbled back from the shock of His discovery.

"So you've finally figured it out, huh?" said Wilson the Tavern Guy. "You finally remembered that I am your true brother, W--"

"...Wilson," Wilson finished for Wilson. "B-but how can you be here? I-I-I thought you disappeared."

"I did." replied Wilson. "I still remember when we created the stars, the planets, and the universe together. One day, I created the Earth, but for some reason, I felt attracted to this planet. So, I descended on this planet and shortly, I fell in love... with Wilson and I became the happiest God in the Universe... until--" Wilson the Tavern Guy's face suddenly became somber. "...Until _you_ had to come along and _ruin the rest of my eternal life_!" Wilson the Tavern Guy and brother of Wilson roared loudly, spreading His arms out and blowing the warehouse apart, exposing the cold, dark night. Wilson took a deep breath and continued calmly, "I was planning to have a fight to the death with you, but I soon gave up that plan because no matter how much of an asshole you are, you are _still_ my brother. So, I decided to try to change you and turn you into a nice God... but it looks like I have failed."

"No, it looks like you're too _chicken_ to start a fight with me!" said Wilson cockily, believing that there's no way He could lose to someone who is just as strong as Him.

Wilson's brother sighed. "I really don't want to fight you..."

"But I do."

"Then so be it."

Somewhere, a drum started beating and an ominous sound can be heard playing softly in the background. Wilson the Tavern Guy leaped backwards, His dark cloak covered in moonlight and blowing in the air, pulled out a Cuban Cigar from nowhere (cigarettes are for wannabes) and stuck it in His mouth. In His hand, a long, red lightsaber with a black handle suddenly appeared.

Wilson Young Wong snickered and smiled at Wilson the Tavern Guy condescendingly. He reached into nowhere, pulled out an AUTHENTIC NIKE ATHLETIC jacket (made in China, of course), and flung it onto His body. As for His weapon, Wilson pulled out a black Casio calculator from His vest. Wilson chuckled to Himself and turned to face His brother. "Hehehe, I shall defeat with my amazing math skills! Prepare to be dazzled as I use shortcuts to calculate somewhat complex arithmetic problems faster than a calculator! Here's the first problem: what is 54 x 76?" Wilson knew, of course, that the answer was 4104, but when He removed the cover of His calculator, He noticed that something was very wrong. "Blast! My calculator is solar-powered. Now I can't show off my stunning abilities in arithmetic... and the ladies will be slightly less impressed with me!" For a very brief amount of time, Wilson was distraught and became stuck in thought. It was sort of like getting your leg stuck in quicksand, except in your mind, but since our subject is Wilson, He quickly pulled His metaphorical leg out of the figurative quicksand. He emerged from His mind with a smile that can only be described as resembling a large pink donkey wearing a sombrero on top of a really, really short mountain. Wilson had a Plan B.

Wilson tried to make a smooth recovery. "Ha... I planned this... _all along!_ This calculator can't turn on not because it was solar-powered because... you _don't_ need the light to power a solar-powered calculator, but... uh... because..." Wilson did not know how to proceed, but then He thought about all those ladies that need to be impressed and a rush of logic suddenly flowed to His head, literally. "... but because the calculator... _was simply too afraid of my amazing arithmetic skills which would totally impress the ladies!_" Wilson finished triumphantly, pleased that He had once again used flawless logic to overcome a problem. Flocks of scantily-clad anime girls that look under-aged but are actually not swarmed to Wilson's side -- in His mind. Indeed, Wilson's amazing arithmetic skills and flawless logic has actually succeeded in impressing the ladies, albeit only those in His mind, but for Wilson, that was a great first step.

Wilson the Tavern Guy, despite His brother Wilson's amazing accomplishment, remained unimpressed. "So what are you going to be using as a weapon now?"

"Patience, my brother," said Wilson softly, wagging a finger at His brother. He reached down to His blue jeans, unbuttoned it, and with a motion as smooth as Wilson can make it, He yanked off His blue jeans and wielded it in His hands. Fans of the almighty Wilson need not get excited or aroused, for under Wilson's pair of blues jeans... was _another pair of blue jeans_, made in China. With His pair of blue jeans in His hand, Wilson pulled out a wannabe cigarette from nowhere and began smoking it. He whispered to His brother, "I am ready."

The music in the background got louder and became steadily more intense. The music style was now not entirely unlike boss battle music in Final Fantasy. Our two Wilsons stood facing together, trying to stare each other down with a cold, heartless gaze, while a small piece of tumbleweed slowly blew past them in the night wind. The battle would be starting any moment now.

Then, as voices started singing, the two warriors started running towards each other in the serene moonlight: Wilson the Tavern Guy, with a cowboy hat, Cuban cigar, and lightsaber and Wilson Young Wong, with a nice haircut, a face covered with acne, a tiny cigarette, and of course, a pair of blue jeans.

They clashed: Wilson the Tavern Guy's lightsaber against Wilson Young Wong's pair of blue jeans.

_Beep!_ Wilson's watch sounded. It was now 12 a.m: the next day has begun and so has the greatest battle the Universe will ever witness.


	6. The Sixth Day

**The Sixth Day**

The two Wilsons grunted at each other, firmly holding their ground as they vied for supremacy. Blue China Jeans vs. Lightsaber. This is it. _This _is the greatest showdown.

Wilson the Tavern Guy gave a grimace as He started talking, "Well, how does it feel to finally have an equal on the receiving end of your enmity?"

"None of your business!"

Our hero applied more force and was met with an equal reaction. Wilson cursed to himself and increased the intensity at which He was blue-jeaning while craters formed and lightning rained around the two foes and heroes. The moon exploded out of the shear might at which they were hemorrhoiding at and the oceans sang with the Wilsons.

"You're nothing but a sycophant and a despot with terrible fashion sense." snarled Wilson the Tavern Guy as they continued their war of words. "You think you're great. You think that everything you do is the best. That's wrong, though. You're nothing. It's my duty to rid the world of tyrants like you!"

"Oh yeah? Well your mom!"

"We don't even have mothers! We're Wilson! Besides, even if we did my mother would be your mother!"

Struggling for a comeback, Wilson instead ignored the need and did a backflip to land on His toes, poised and ready to strike. He then bounced off the wall of the forest and struck blindly, whipping His jeans around without thinking. Unfortunately, His wild and untamed movements were caught by Wilson the Tavern Guy's defensive lightsaber stance and He was hurled backwards into the lake water. As He tried to stand up to face His enemy, Wilson once again fell into the lake. Not one for humiliation or clowning around, Wilson snapped His fingers and the lake moved through space and time to land in a volcano in the future. Wilson's lightning wit finally came through for Him and He smugly looked at His other half.

"Well, your mother's so fat that when you divide her mass by her height squared, it's slightly greater than 25!"

Wilson the Tavern Guy's response was only a barely-audible sigh. The air of disappointment around Him was nauseating to non-Wilsons, and insects in the proximity dropped dead from the intensity.

The reason for His disappointment was so great that even those without great insight could have read the fact that Wilson the Tavern Guy was shamed to have a brother so lame and uncool. The fact that such a simple act was so telling to mere mortals is in fact more insightful when you realize that Wilson didn't get it. Indeed, Wilson's almost profound ability to not "get" basic human interaction is very perplexing and reveals more of His character than anything chronicled in human or Wilson history. Wilson's lack of the fundamental social skills required for life is perhaps His most noteworthy trait.

Looking at His brother's loss at words, Wilson expressed His smugness in words, the tilting of His head and the raising of one eyebrow.

"Well, that was easy."

"Shut it, Wilson."

"Why? Angry? Going to run to slightly overweight Mama Wilson?"

"We don't have mothers!"

"Sounds like someone can't think of a comeback." pushed Wilson, obtuse to the irony.

"I thought I told you to shut it."

Drunk in ecstasy, and gloating mentally, Wilson lunged at the Tavern Guy, believing that His goading was successful. He was already seeing legions of women around Him feeding Him egg sandwiches while He drank the finest orange juice in the land. He saw the riches of harvest in the apples and oranges. Most importantly though, Wilson saw the defeat of His arch enemy, Wilson.

"You've just activated my Trap Card!" exclaimed Wilson the Tavern Guy as He looked upwards, eyes and mind clear of any distraction. "OPEN GET!"

Wilson the Tavern Guy's body split into three distinctly coloured ships of different shapes and re-combined behind Wilson as He fell onto His knees, into the mud.

"CHANGE WILSONNNNNNN ONE!" shouted a surprisingly hotblooded Wilson the Tavern Guy, now complete with manly sideburns. "BREAST FIRE!!!!"

A pink and white plasma radiated from Wilson the Tavern Guy's bosom and hit Wilson Young Wong square in the back, penetrating His soft skin. Our hero screamed in pain and reverse ecstasy to the delight of Wilson the Tavern Guy's new found interest in sadism. A cloud of dust and sweat and tears formed around the two warriors as Wilson the Tavern Guy's unrelenting attack continued. Finally, what seemed like a millennia passed and the smoke cleared only to reveal a dastardly sight.

Wilson looking positively chipper and eating biscuits.

While Wilson the Tavern Guy was wasting His strength and uncharacteristically brute-forcing His way into victory, Wilson patiently waiting for His own recovery and the draining of energy of His antagonist. Truly, a revolutionary in tactics and an innovator of strategy.

Wilson saw Wilson the Tavern Guy panting, so He decided to take this opportunity to strike a blow to Him. Wilson reached into His vest and He pulled out a balogna and cheese sandwich. He offered the sandwich to Wilson the Tavern Guy. "Here, take a break and eat this."

Wilson the Tavern Guy was surprised at His brother's newfound kindness, thinking that His brother had somehow changed during the course of the fight, so He gratefully accepted it. Just as Wilson the Tavern Guy reached for the sandwich, Wilson yanked the sandwich back and with just one hand, He ate the entire middle part of the sandwich, leaving the crust all surrounding it.

"Psyche!" said Wilson, grinning deviously.

Angered at His brother's deception, Wilson the Tavern Guy lunged at Wilson.

Wilson merely leaped back and laughed. "Wilson the Tavern Guy, _you've just activated my trap card!_" exclaimed Wilson, feeling very original, as He reached into His blue jeans, pulled out His underwear, and slammed it onto the head of Wilson the Tavern Guy. The stench of the underwear can be smelt within 30 light-year radius. The nearby trees quickly withered away, to Wilson's satisfaction because He does not believe in global warming and those liberal environmentalist hippies.

"That's what I just said!" said Wilson the Tavern Guy, His shock at Wilson's complete lack of originality overwhelming the stench of His brother's underwear.

"That's what _your mom_ just said!" replied Wilson with His lightning wit.

Wilson the Tavern Guy shook His head in amazement. He decided to give up trying to change Wilson into a normal person, or at least slightly more normal. Wilson analyzed His current predicament: He was now blind with the underwear over His eyes and the mephitis of Wilson's underwear was starting to get to Him. He started to feel weaker and weaker until He collapsed onto the ground.

"Hehehe," laughed Wilson Young Wong. "Not so ostentatious anymore, eh?" He walked over to His brother's body and He slapped Wilson the Tavern Guy's face a few times with His pair of blue jeans. No response. Wilson laughed again. "I don't get how Wilson could have fallen in love with you. Oh well, I guess her death is her rightful punishment."

Wilson the Tavern Guy heard Wilson's words on the ground and became outraged at Wilson's heartless comment. To Wilson Young Wong's surprise, He jumped up off the ground and raged a rage even larger than His brother's previous rage, burning off the underwear stuck to His head.

"Wilson, you _inconsiderate_ travesty of a God, I _will_ KILL you!" shouted Wilson the Tavern Guy as He grabbed His lightsaber and began striking Wilson with it. Wilson Young Wong, tried to defend Himself with His pair of blue jeans, but with one stroke of His lightsaber, Wilson the Tavern Guy caught Wilson's pair of blue jeans and flung it away. Wilson Young Wong was now defenceless and He soon found Wilson the Tavern Guy's lightsaber resting right beside His neck.

It was all going to be over soon.

Wilson the Tavern Guy screamed into the air and then... He threw His lightsaber onto the ground. He looked at Wilson disdainly and said, "Argh! No matter how much I hate you Wilson... I can't kill my own brother." He let out a long sigh and then He turned around and started walking away from Wilson.

"But I can!" shouted Wilson Young Wong as He picked up the lightsaber on the ground and stabbed His brother in the back. And then it was done.

Wilson the Tavern Guy stumbled to the ground. He turned His head to face Wilson and weakly pointed a finger at Him. "You... my brother... have... have... _betrayed_ me..."

Wilson Young Wong realized what He had just done. He had just killed His own brother. He dropped onto His knees and pleaded, "N-no... don't die brother! I-I... didn't mean to... I'm so sorry brother!"

"My own brother... be-betrayed... me..." whispered Wilson the Tavern Guy softly and then He fell silent. He was dead.

"Nooooooooo!" shouted Wilson at the sky. He then turned His eyes to face His brother's dead body. "What have I done?!"

In a fit of rage, Wilson destroyed the ground, the mountains, the trees, the planet, the sun, the stars -- everything. And the Universe was once again reduced to nothingness. Wilson closed His eyes and mourned over the death of His brother. The only tear that Wilson will ever have in His eternal life left His tear ducts and slowly trickled down His face. Wilson opened His eyes, stared at the nothingness and into it He whispered, "Purple bus, Microsoft... no more..."

Wilson's mind was now empty, except for one thought:

"What now?"

So Wilson returned to His house, took off His pair of blue jeans, turned on His Windows ME computer, and watched anime.


	7. The Seventh Day

**The Seventh Day**

And on the seventh day, He rested.


	8. Epilogue

**Epilogue:**

Wilson stayed in His room and watched anime for the next 52 million years. After Wilson had finished watching all the anime ever created, from both past _and_ future, totalling 3 internets worth, He took to watching hardcore Jamaican soccer videos.

Every now and then, moaning sounds can be heard emanating from Wilson's room, along with the occasional "Damn it, Quan!" and the uncontrolled outbreaks of giggling that occur after every time Wilson thinks of a new joke that only He finds funny.

Ever rarer are the times when Wilson gets for of His house and goes to a nearby elementary school to make lewd and potentially inappropriate comments at the little girls there -- all inside His head, of course, because Wilson is too antisocial to say them out loud. Actually, the _entire_ excursion happens _inside_ Wilson's head. Indeed, Wilson is _so_ socially awkward, He can be socially awkward _while being socially awkward_ even_inside_ His head.

And this is it, this is really... THE END -- no wait, Wilson never ends, so this is:

MERELY ONE OF MANY DIVIDERS IN WILSON'S INFINITELY LONG STORY THAT WAS ONLY CREATED SO THAT THE HUMAN MIND CAN MORE EASILY DIGEST HIS AMAZING FEATS AND SOCIAL-AWKWARDNESS AND IS TOTALLY NOT... THE END

...because stay tuned for the next installment of The Awesome Adventures of Wilson Young Wong:

**The Awesome Adventures of Wilson Young Wong #2: Godlust**


End file.
